If you don’t already know…We’re PREGNANT!!! Baby Denner is due April 2020 (only 6 months to go)! To be honest, I’ve had a really hard time writing this blog, starting over multiple times. There are so many emotions and so much that has been happening that I have honestly struggled to put it all into words, so pardon the length of this entry 😉
Wow. We are going to be parents!
There isn’t a time that I can remember, not wanting to be a mom. I have memories of wanting to learn to change diapers and feed babies (siblings and cousins) before I was even in kindergarten. For Phil it may not have been for quite as long. But growing up in a family of 9 kids, he has been looking forward to having children and being a dad for quite some time. Our relationship got off to a quick start and we were married in less then 14 months from when we started dating. We both came into our marriage knowing how much we wanted kids, but wanting to wait awhile to get settled into our lives together. I wanted wait longer than Phil did, but as always he was very understanding and open to doing whatever was best for both of us. But he did say he thought I would change my mind about timing and he was right, I did.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited I couldn’t even wait for Phil to get out of work…I ended up FaceTiming him during his lunch break. We were both ecstatic and for the first few days I was on cloud 9, but then reality began to sink in. Please bare with me, as I get really vulnerable here. I honestly thought it would take a lot longer for us to start our family and while I was still excited, I also had (and still do) moments of panic.
We are in a very interesting stage of our lives right now. We have a roommate currently and Phil is in the midst of a career change preparing to go back to school full time to become a nurse, and we are in a tough place financially. The timing of it all began to hit us (I take change harder than Phil), and how many unknowns are looming ahead of us. Being pregnant now, is leading towards many extra adjustments that we didn’t originally foresee…rethinking the timing of Phil’s school, finding a new living situation, completely readjusting our financial situation (while Phil is in school we will only have my income), the possibility of a career change for myself, and now we may even be moving halfway across the country in the next year.
Wow. So many HUGE changes happening at once.
Not to mention the adjustment of a newborn coming into our lives. How do we even start planning for the baby with all these uncertainties? My happiness was mingled with fear and worry…and then guilt for not feeling happy 24/7 and feeling like I don’t trust God enough. I also had (still have) the normal concerns for our baby and baby’s health. Not to mention HORMONES…oh my goodness, add that to all my normal feelings, and I feel so irrational at times. Just last week I burst into tears and cried for 10 minutes over Phil eating a chocolate Swiss roll that I planned on eating (poor guy haha-went out and bought me a a whole box the next day).
Without including all the upcoming changes and my emotional state, the first trimester was not the easiest on me-or on Phil for that matter. At first I felt great with a lot of energy, then came the nausea, occasional throwing up and having trouble sleeping at night, and then I got sick and was throwing up twice a day for awhile. For weeks I didn’t have an appetite and now the nausea has definitely got better in the second trimester, but I still throw up occasionally…just last night I was throwing up at 4am.
I have to say Phil is the most AMAZING husband I could ever ask for. He has been so gentle and supportive, picked up extra hours at work (so I could cut back) WHILE still taking classes, does most of the cooking and cleaning, and things like holding my hair back while I throw up and making me tea at 2 am, when he has to be up at 3:30 am for work. Also, telling me how beautiful I am as I feel gross and fat, and super self-conscious about how early I started showing (at about 11 weeks). He has been so consistent, always pointing me back to God, and helping me to trust when I struggle.
I have so much more to share…but we still have time for that 😉 We are at 15 weeks now, and while I still have concerns and many emotions; I am already thankful for this time, as I can see God growing and challenging my faith, as well as growing our relationship as a couple. I already feel more prepared for the challenges we will face over the next year and a half , as I see how God is working in us during the unknowns and difficulties that we are facing now. In the midst of it all, I am in constant amazement at the little human growing inside me (I was in AWE at my first ultrasound), and how God created women to carry them as they develop. Wow!! And in only a few short weeks we will be finding out the gender of our little one. I am so thankful that God has chosen US, to be parents to this little human. ❤